Without a doubt, I should be sleeping. At 10 I could have collapsed into bed due to lack of sleep, but for whatever reason I am sitting in front of the computer four hours later. I even canceled plans with good friends so I could go to bed, yet here I sit.
This summer has been an attempt to reverse the unhealthy patterns that have begun in my life. At several points throughout the past year, I have come to the realization that if I don't learn to slow down, I will crash (While this seems obvious, I had to learn the hard way). I realize there are many physical things I am dependent on that cannot be ignored.
Air. Food. Rest. Sight. Hearing. Taste. Touch. Smell. Other people's contributions to life.
All things I am very dependent on.
There is a lot of beauty in the fact that I have no control over many things (air, the actual growth of food, the art of seeing, etc.). These things serve to remind me that life does not and CANNOT come from myself. However, there are also a great deal of things in life which I have an element of responsibility to take care of, whether it be through taking care of my health by eating and sleeping, allowing my mind to stop so I remember that I am human, or taking care of the environment which represents some of where life comes from.
As basic as it sounds, I have been confronted anew with the fact that I do not always treat the life that's been given to me with respect. I quickly forget that I am dependent and assume I have no limitations.
False. From headaches to fatigue to having worms in my stomach for several months, I was forced to slow down for awhile. With iron deficiency and a nutrient robbed body, it has required patience to build back up the health I once knew. But now that I am feeling better, I find it is exceptionally difficult to maintain that healthy pace of life.
All that to say, this summer has been a very deliberate attempt. And it hasn't been easy.
Consciously backing away even from volunteering and some of the things I love most, I realize its hard to admit life goes on without you; that needs are still being met when you aren't there. And while I miss it, and know that there will be a day (hopefully soon) where I find myself in some of those same places again, I also recognize how much healing is taking place.
And, I see where it's not. But, the summer's not over yet. And neither is my life.
Oh, the joy of finding balance.