"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."

While sitting in Moe’s Kitchen (a healthy & delicious restaurant in Green Hills) for several hours earlier today, my pen rapidly began to scribble down the cries of my heart.

There have been phases in life when I have questioned the act of prayer; how and why we speak in order to somehow communicate with God--a "being" that even the best theologians struggle to articulate concrete statements about. Over the course of time, I have found myself in several different roles in relation to the act of prayer: the one being prayed for, the pray-er, the by-stander in the presence of a group where prayer is taking place, the doubter as people pray; the list goes on…

But the more time goes on, the more convinced I am of how powerful it is.

Particularly when we speak or write words with very identifiable questions/claims/praises/proclamations etc., unexplainable things take place. Even when "answers" do not look as we expect them to, prayer ALWAYS sparks revolution and healing; in one way or another. It is often only in hindsight that we see the ways that God reveals Himself. And it’s REMARKABLE to review the way life unfolds itself in correlation to prayer.

It is only as I have been away from home for a couple of years and reminisce through journals of the past that I recognize the depth of this truth in my own life...

I have seen the "impossible" become reality TIME AFTER TIME AFTER TIME.
...Why am I so quick to forget?

bALaNce...

"Balance is Beautiful"
--Miyoko Ohno--

"Balance is the enemy of art"
--Richard Eyre--

"Every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it"
--George Santayana--

Slowing down is difficult.

Without a doubt, I should be sleeping. At 10 I could have collapsed into bed due to lack of sleep, but for whatever reason I am sitting in front of the computer four hours later. I even canceled plans with good friends so I could go to bed, yet here I sit.

This summer has been an attempt to reverse the unhealthy patterns that have begun in my life. At several points throughout the past year, I have come to the realization that if I don't learn to slow down, I will crash (While this seems obvious, I had to learn the hard way). I realize there are many physical things I am dependent on that cannot be ignored.

Air. Food. Rest. Sight. Hearing. Taste. Touch. Smell. Other people's contributions to life.
All things I am very dependent on.

There is a lot of beauty in the fact that I have no control over many things (air, the actual growth of food, the art of seeing, etc.). These things serve to remind me that life does not and CANNOT come from myself. However, there are also a great deal of things in life which I have an element of responsibility to take care of, whether it be through taking care of my health by eating and sleeping, allowing my mind to stop so I remember that I am human, or taking care of the environment which represents some of where life comes from.

As basic as it sounds, I have been confronted anew with the fact that I do not always treat the life that's been given to me with respect. I quickly forget that I am dependent and assume I have no limitations.

False. From headaches to fatigue to having worms in my stomach for several months, I was forced to slow down for awhile. With iron deficiency and a nutrient robbed body, it has required patience to build back up the health I once knew. But now that I am feeling better, I find it is exceptionally difficult to maintain that healthy pace of life.

All that to say, this summer has been a very deliberate attempt. And it hasn't been easy.

Consciously backing away even from volunteering and some of the things I love most, I realize its hard to admit life goes on without you; that needs are still being met when you aren't there. And while I miss it, and know that there will be a day (hopefully soon) where I find myself in some of those same places again, I also recognize how much healing is taking place.

And, I see where it's not. But, the summer's not over yet. And neither is my life.

Oh, the joy of finding balance.

Oh, that we never become numb.

Tears streamed down Ruthann’s face as she covered him with a blanket outside the East Nashville Co-op. After recently getting out of the hospital, IV fluids were leaking on the ground and it was obvious he was in pain. “Leave me here; I want to die; God hates me,” were his repeated words; “Nobody cares; just get me some vodka.” Meanwhile, his best friend sat next to him threatening to slap some sense into him if he remained ignorant. “You know I care,” were his friend’s repeated words.

Just moments later the ambulance arrived on the scene and the paramedics recognized his face all too well. Obviously not phased by the event, their response as they loaded him in the vehicle was, “He never keeps his IV bag clean; he knows.”

It was as I watched the juxtaposition of Ruthann’s response with the reaction of the paramedics that I recognized myself in the shoes of the paramedics. There was a day when my heart would have been torn in two at the realization that someone could feel so alone--so worthless--that they would just as soon die and not clean a bag than live. But that day, I had simply written it off as a daily occurrence; something he had brought upon himself.

But don’t we all bring terrible things upon ourselves at different points of life? Isn’t that why we need community with each other and with God; to CONTINUALLY remind ourselves that life is not always as it seems?

So my prayer today is that we never give up; that we never stop hoping; that our hearts never stop breaking when confronted with the realities of life. Oh, to continually believe that God still makes himself known in the darkest of situations; that he is that best friend screaming at us to wake up from our alternate state of reality.

May we never be too blind to see what is before us and never too hardened to enter fully into the tensions of life.

In prayer, we commit to action.

Lord, open our eyes, that we may see you in our brothers and sisters.
Lord, open our ears, that we may hear the cries of the hungry, the cold, the frightened, the oppressed.
Lord, open our hearts that we may love each other as you love us.
Renew us in your spirit Lord, free us and make us one.
Amen.
--Mother Theresa--

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.
--Mother Theresa--

The world truly does get smaller every day.

A couple of conversations with good friends brought Africa to the forefront of my mind. In hindsight I really don’t feel like I hold romanticized ideals about the way things were. Don’t get me wrong; there are certainly things I miss about Africa, but there are also things I would pay not to go through again.

I don’t miss being the nameless white girl that can’t walk anywhere without being noticed; I enjoy feeling like I can get some alone time without being hollered at by all who pass. I don’t miss being befriended because I’m from America, getting cut in line EVERYWHERE I GO, sleeping under mosquito nets, constantly being asked for money, or having to explain myself twice over to a man. But there are, quite possibly, more things that I do miss. I miss the kids on my walk to school; laughing and speaking in broken Luganda while getting peed on by a baby and getting my sandals fixed for 25 cents (perhaps minus the pee). I miss the obvious: the weather, the food, the avocados.

But most of all I miss those I had come to call my family. I miss our “dance parties” which ended in a “well done” to Dani and laughter directed toward my attempts. I miss working in the garden until every part of my body is sore and my nose is burnt to a crisp. I miss cooking over fire and continually being told to “Be patient; it‘s not finished yet.” I miss walking home from class to hear Mama singing Christmas carols with the ladies from the church in accents I have to listen closely to understand. I miss hugs and kisses on the cheek with those I’ve just met. I miss the good conversation that comes when you talk to people you will never fully understand.

Though it is good to be back, a piece of me remains there. My new suite mate Ann Marie is from Cameroon, Africa so I still feel like a piece of last semester is here with me. And she definitely reminds me of the students at UCU. It’s funny; all the places I’ve been blur together more and more as time goes on. It was when I was in the Mexican Market on Nolensville the other day that the realization came. It seems unreal that within a matter of minutes I am speaking Spanish to buy groceries, passing by the roughest part of Nashville while waving to my friends on the streets, entering onto a beautifully kept campus, enjoying the company of my roommate, and laughing with an African. The world truly does get smaller every day.