Tension is Opportunity

After fully submerging myself in Ashtanga yoga practice at a workshop this weekend, I stand inspired.

Forced into vulnerability in a matter of moments, my strengths and weaknesses were clearly shown. Intense burning sensations were encouraged by a constant reminder from Kino, the instructor: "It is over when it is over; you do not choose when life begins and ends." She would continually quote her instructor from India:

5% teaching, 95% practice. You in da West; you make no sense of this. You think intellect all. No; not so. The mind is much bigger (Guriji).

Anyone who has ever done any number of things with your body (be it getting in shape, attempting to do the splits, recovering from an injury, or simply walking up stairs) knows that it does not always do what you want it to on command. We talk about self-control as something the intellect may do; we assume, "If I consciously think about this, my actions follow suit." But, as most have experienced, this is not so. Why, might we ask?

Much greater than intellect alone, the mind was understood well by the Hebrews. We translate the Hebrew leb as "heart" in Old Testament texts, but the closer translation is "mind." While certainly including intellect, leb was understood to be the seat of emotions, memory, desire, and courage as well; "the totality of a person." While many of us "know" that, what implications does that have for the practics of life?

To "will" something (such as to do the splits) is not a simple desire for something to be so, but requires you to "let go" of bondage that holds you back. What's beautiful about this "will" that allows us to break through fears is that it is very different from "will" as that which we do. For we must depend on what is outside ourselves for it to take place at all.

You must trust not only that you can do a challenging pose, but that the ground will support you and the people around you will not hurt you or push you over in your vulnerable moments. Long suppressed challenges are confronted in every ounce of connective tissue that prevent us from moving forward. Fears prevent us from courage, which is the demonstration of the mind at its best.

It is common in the yoga practice to experience tears out of nowhere. This may seem strange, but makes perfect sense when we recognize that there is no dichotomy between body and spirit. Even movement is demonstrative of much more than what is physical.

"Flexible no jus' happen; so dis is life"

Thankful.

For rest that truly does revive.
For sleep. meditation. yoga.
For the deep humility that comes when pride is dismissed.

For healing.
For tears. letting go.
For laughter.
For physical relief. fewer headaches.

For the change of seasons.
For sunny days. rainy days. cold chills.
For an obvious reminder that people are not the only creation that inhabits the earth.
For people that still love when I'm not around.
For family. friends. Antioch.

For relationships that make me aware of my faults.
For Family. Everyone.
For grace that sees beyond imperfections yet never serves as a cop-out.
For hope that springs forth in the midst of broken systems.
For a voice to cry out in the face of injustice.

For confidence that I am not the one who heals.

Truly thankful...

“Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest awhile.” (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat). Mark 6:31

...that solitude doesn't end in solitude.

Learning not to push so hard against the wall...

Ambiguous address (**cough*cough**)

Oh you, who rests little and does too much, what do you have to offer? Oh you, whose mind is always racing, when did you forget what it is to be fully present? Oh you, who rarely returns phone calls and has too many messages to respond in full, do you even remember who called you today? Oh you, who falls asleep nearly every afternoon, do you really think lack of sleep is the only thing making you tired? Oh you, who once found joy in studying, why do you think you struggle to open a book? Oh you, who knows much about health, theology, and "balance," this is no mystery to you.

Indeed, it is time. Time to truly STOP and be reminded of the beautiful simplicity of life; to stand in awe of just how much we don't know; to rejoice in the "little things."
As of now, summer plans consist of:

• Detoxing with good friends
• 3 weeks in KC to catch up with family and friends
• Celebrating the weddings of my brother and good friends
• Coming back to Nashville
• Nannying some; perhaps working for a doctor's office some; finding a consistent job maybe
• Delving more deeply into the East Nashville community again
• Reading, Writing, Painting, Dreaming, Laughing, Yoga-ing
• HAVING TIME FOR PEOPLE!
• Enjoying the beauty of Creation (And creativity)
• Learning to "laugh through my tears" and "love without fear" (Phrase Coined by Over the Rhine - "Born" - check it out; good song)

Enthused to be enthused about life again; it's too short not to be,

Jules
P.S. I challenge YOU to rest. WHAT IF we all learned to receive this gift while we were young; what would the world look like? Have you lost your "Wonder?"

How did we get here?

How does a nation get to a place where it knows so little?
(Yes, I’m generalizing)

Where caffeine sustains the existence of a people who do too much?
(So we become dependent on it)

Where the same thing that “sustains our energy” robs us of life?
(Yet no one knows)

Where alcohol is our “quick-fix” to a long day?
(Though it simply buries our struggles, making problems worse)

Where we buy into the illusion we can do more than we can?
(Until we drop because we’ve pushed it too far)

Where most of what we eat is only an illusion of the food our body needs?
(Because it’s so chemically manipulated)

Where our bodies can’t absorb the nutrients from the food we do eat?
(Because we are so overloaded with toxins)

Where we have to peel ourselves out of bed in the morning?
(And think lack of sleep is the only reason why)

Where most of the faces around us are laden with fatigue?
(Yet we simply write it off as “a part of life”)

Where we believe sickness is always something that just “happens” to us?
(When we often perpetuate the cycles that prolong it)

Where our minds are so divorced from what our bodies are telling us?

If we listen, we will find the beginnings of wisdom.

Monestary in Taize, France

God of all living, why should we wait for our hearts to be changed in order to go to you? You transfigure them. In our wounds themselves you enable a communion to grow. And the gates of praise open within us (Peace of Heart in All Things, Taize).

Check out Taize's website.

Oppression looks differently, but it still exists.

The following is addressed to females (obviously). But guys, you can aid in restoring the dignity that’s been lost…

How might it have been different for you if, on your first menstrual day, your mother had given you a bouquet of flowers and taken you to lunch, and then the two of you had gone to meet your father at the jeweler, where your ears were pierced, and your father bought you your first pair of earrings, and then you went with a few of your friends to get your first lip colouring; and then you went,
for the very first time,
To the Women’s Lodge,
To learn
The wisdom of women?
How might your life be different?
--Judith Duerk, Circle of Stones
(Minus the bit about lipstick and jewelry defining femininity)

In a day where Emotions are down-played, women are taught from a young age that their menstrual cycles and femininity breed irrationality. Tampon ads such as, “Out of sight, out of mind” foster us to believe the lie that life may be continued during menstruation as though nothing were different. Little do we know that our ignorance of our bodies and intuition is exactly what causes our emotional roller-coasters, proving our “irrationality” true.

I know that every female reading this right now knows what I am talking about when I say that every emotion you experience has some sort of significance. For those of you who don’t sort through your emotions and thoughts on a regular basis, you probably feel like a basket-case when you are on your period and have frequently used it as justification for your “unreasonable” behavior.

But when we begin to look at the significance of our fatigue and tenderness of heart that comes pre-menstrually, we see a unique sort of intuition the woman has to offer the world. In the words of Christiane Northrup (M.D.):

Premenstrually, the veil between the worlds of the seen and unseen, the conscious and the unconscious, is much thinner…the premenstrual phase is therefore a time when we have greater…ability to recognize and transform the difficult and painful areas of our lives.

If we let ourselves retreat, rest, and be fully honest to confront what comes and analyze what it is that‘s taking place, wisdom is unleashed not only in our own lives, but the lives of those around us.

So let yourself rest. Let your mind wander. Experience your intuition fully. And set aside time to think before you speak. But whatever you do, don't neglect your femininity.

The world needs your attunement to what's taking place.

It's been a long time since I've been so excited to see my brothers.

Recently I've found myself running from boys, both directly and indirectly. So long as interactions are few and far between and/or not too sustained, I'm fine. But when they turn to day-in and day-out interactions, I flee. And I can't decide if this is good or bad.

Perhaps it is because I have tried to have healthful friendships with boys in the past and screwed up badly. Or perhaps I fear of getting into another relationship because it's the last thing I'm looking for right now.

I just don't really know how to have healthy, sustained, close friendships with boys anymore.

For whatever reason, I am unsettled.

Some days, I wish we could go back to the days where we all run around like crazy and boys think girls are gross so I didn't have to the think about the pressure of marriage, which I am far from ready for.

But I find myself a contradiction when I hear of close friends getting married, for it brings me so much joy to hear their stories.

...No, this entry does not have a conclusive thought :)

The TRUTH about popping your back.

So we've all heard people debate about whether popping your back is good for you or not. Well, I've got the answer. More like my Natural doc has the answer.

When you pop your back, the ligaments surrounding your spinal column are actually SPRAINED. Ironically, this is what causes the discomfort that urges you to pop your back in the first place.

Short term effects? Minor.
Long term? Back problems.
Experience minor pains already and frequently pop your back? Perhaps this is why.

So what's the alternative? Spinal stretches and strength training.
Great yoga stretches for the spinal column: Cobra, Cat, Cow, Downward dog, Bridge, and many others. Cobra is my favorite. And yes--if you are unfamiliar with yoga--those are the actual names.

Stretching to release toxicity and align muscles/ligaments is a much better route.

This is a sad discovery as I pop my own back (and am quite skilled at it) nearly everyday at LEAST once. However, I look forward to being able to tell you how much greater it feels to have a strong, well knit back with ligaments perfectly in place.

All this to say: Sorry, I will no longer be of service to pop your back :)

Wedding Dress (Derek Webb)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvQRd7D9BDM

Ghandi's words sting deep: "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

So do Christ's: "So you must be careful to do everything (the Pharisees) tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach" (Matthew 23:3).

I, too, am guilty.

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."

While sitting in Moe’s Kitchen (a healthy & delicious restaurant in Green Hills) for several hours earlier today, my pen rapidly began to scribble down the cries of my heart.

There have been phases in life when I have questioned the act of prayer; how and why we speak in order to somehow communicate with God--a "being" that even the best theologians struggle to articulate concrete statements about. Over the course of time, I have found myself in several different roles in relation to the act of prayer: the one being prayed for, the pray-er, the by-stander in the presence of a group where prayer is taking place, the doubter as people pray; the list goes on…

But the more time goes on, the more convinced I am of how powerful it is.

Particularly when we speak or write words with very identifiable questions/claims/praises/proclamations etc., unexplainable things take place. Even when "answers" do not look as we expect them to, prayer ALWAYS sparks revolution and healing; in one way or another. It is often only in hindsight that we see the ways that God reveals Himself. And it’s REMARKABLE to review the way life unfolds itself in correlation to prayer.

It is only as I have been away from home for a couple of years and reminisce through journals of the past that I recognize the depth of this truth in my own life...

I have seen the "impossible" become reality TIME AFTER TIME AFTER TIME.
...Why am I so quick to forget?

bALaNce...

"Balance is Beautiful"
--Miyoko Ohno--

"Balance is the enemy of art"
--Richard Eyre--

"Every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it"
--George Santayana--

Slowing down is difficult.

Without a doubt, I should be sleeping. At 10 I could have collapsed into bed due to lack of sleep, but for whatever reason I am sitting in front of the computer four hours later. I even canceled plans with good friends so I could go to bed, yet here I sit.

This summer has been an attempt to reverse the unhealthy patterns that have begun in my life. At several points throughout the past year, I have come to the realization that if I don't learn to slow down, I will crash (While this seems obvious, I had to learn the hard way). I realize there are many physical things I am dependent on that cannot be ignored.

Air. Food. Rest. Sight. Hearing. Taste. Touch. Smell. Other people's contributions to life.
All things I am very dependent on.

There is a lot of beauty in the fact that I have no control over many things (air, the actual growth of food, the art of seeing, etc.). These things serve to remind me that life does not and CANNOT come from myself. However, there are also a great deal of things in life which I have an element of responsibility to take care of, whether it be through taking care of my health by eating and sleeping, allowing my mind to stop so I remember that I am human, or taking care of the environment which represents some of where life comes from.

As basic as it sounds, I have been confronted anew with the fact that I do not always treat the life that's been given to me with respect. I quickly forget that I am dependent and assume I have no limitations.

False. From headaches to fatigue to having worms in my stomach for several months, I was forced to slow down for awhile. With iron deficiency and a nutrient robbed body, it has required patience to build back up the health I once knew. But now that I am feeling better, I find it is exceptionally difficult to maintain that healthy pace of life.

All that to say, this summer has been a very deliberate attempt. And it hasn't been easy.

Consciously backing away even from volunteering and some of the things I love most, I realize its hard to admit life goes on without you; that needs are still being met when you aren't there. And while I miss it, and know that there will be a day (hopefully soon) where I find myself in some of those same places again, I also recognize how much healing is taking place.

And, I see where it's not. But, the summer's not over yet. And neither is my life.

Oh, the joy of finding balance.

Oh, that we never become numb.

Tears streamed down Ruthann’s face as she covered him with a blanket outside the East Nashville Co-op. After recently getting out of the hospital, IV fluids were leaking on the ground and it was obvious he was in pain. “Leave me here; I want to die; God hates me,” were his repeated words; “Nobody cares; just get me some vodka.” Meanwhile, his best friend sat next to him threatening to slap some sense into him if he remained ignorant. “You know I care,” were his friend’s repeated words.

Just moments later the ambulance arrived on the scene and the paramedics recognized his face all too well. Obviously not phased by the event, their response as they loaded him in the vehicle was, “He never keeps his IV bag clean; he knows.”

It was as I watched the juxtaposition of Ruthann’s response with the reaction of the paramedics that I recognized myself in the shoes of the paramedics. There was a day when my heart would have been torn in two at the realization that someone could feel so alone--so worthless--that they would just as soon die and not clean a bag than live. But that day, I had simply written it off as a daily occurrence; something he had brought upon himself.

But don’t we all bring terrible things upon ourselves at different points of life? Isn’t that why we need community with each other and with God; to CONTINUALLY remind ourselves that life is not always as it seems?

So my prayer today is that we never give up; that we never stop hoping; that our hearts never stop breaking when confronted with the realities of life. Oh, to continually believe that God still makes himself known in the darkest of situations; that he is that best friend screaming at us to wake up from our alternate state of reality.

May we never be too blind to see what is before us and never too hardened to enter fully into the tensions of life.

In prayer, we commit to action.

Lord, open our eyes, that we may see you in our brothers and sisters.
Lord, open our ears, that we may hear the cries of the hungry, the cold, the frightened, the oppressed.
Lord, open our hearts that we may love each other as you love us.
Renew us in your spirit Lord, free us and make us one.
Amen.
--Mother Theresa--

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.
--Mother Theresa--

The world truly does get smaller every day.

A couple of conversations with good friends brought Africa to the forefront of my mind. In hindsight I really don’t feel like I hold romanticized ideals about the way things were. Don’t get me wrong; there are certainly things I miss about Africa, but there are also things I would pay not to go through again.

I don’t miss being the nameless white girl that can’t walk anywhere without being noticed; I enjoy feeling like I can get some alone time without being hollered at by all who pass. I don’t miss being befriended because I’m from America, getting cut in line EVERYWHERE I GO, sleeping under mosquito nets, constantly being asked for money, or having to explain myself twice over to a man. But there are, quite possibly, more things that I do miss. I miss the kids on my walk to school; laughing and speaking in broken Luganda while getting peed on by a baby and getting my sandals fixed for 25 cents (perhaps minus the pee). I miss the obvious: the weather, the food, the avocados.

But most of all I miss those I had come to call my family. I miss our “dance parties” which ended in a “well done” to Dani and laughter directed toward my attempts. I miss working in the garden until every part of my body is sore and my nose is burnt to a crisp. I miss cooking over fire and continually being told to “Be patient; it‘s not finished yet.” I miss walking home from class to hear Mama singing Christmas carols with the ladies from the church in accents I have to listen closely to understand. I miss hugs and kisses on the cheek with those I’ve just met. I miss the good conversation that comes when you talk to people you will never fully understand.

Though it is good to be back, a piece of me remains there. My new suite mate Ann Marie is from Cameroon, Africa so I still feel like a piece of last semester is here with me. And she definitely reminds me of the students at UCU. It’s funny; all the places I’ve been blur together more and more as time goes on. It was when I was in the Mexican Market on Nolensville the other day that the realization came. It seems unreal that within a matter of minutes I am speaking Spanish to buy groceries, passing by the roughest part of Nashville while waving to my friends on the streets, entering onto a beautifully kept campus, enjoying the company of my roommate, and laughing with an African. The world truly does get smaller every day.

Another one of those things that just don't have an answer...

Perhaps death is never an easy thing for those of us still walking around, but some forms of death seem far more difficult to take in than others.

Wesley; a man who could talk. If you were his friend, he would kill to keep you safe. On the contrary, you'd better watch out if you were on his bad side. I had seen him laugh; I had seen him cry. Glimpses of love were undeniable in some of his most sincere and sober moments.

But his greatest love of all was alcohol.

Upon returning to Nashville, I soon discovered that Wesley had frozen to death on the streets this winter. Recurring tears came as I realized the depth of the underlying truth. Anyone could find a place to stay in Nashville if they needed one. With Room in the Inn and various shelters, there's always somewhere. And then it struck me; he must have been drinking and thought he was warm.

My papa away from home; that's what I called him. And in his most sober moments, I really respected him as one. I sincerely hope he's "resting in peace."

I am Because We are.

I keep waiting for a day when there is an abundance of free time to sit and write; it's funny how those days never really sneak their way into our lives unless we force them to. And when we do intentionally lay them aside, sitting down and writing a blog is not the first thing that comes to mind.

So today I sit, finally making it a priority to communicate with those of you who keep up on my life, faithfully praying in the midst of your lives. And though this is a disconnected and electronic sort of "general" communication, I feel oddly connected to you all; particularly those from Antioch, the church I grew up in. I am continually recognizing so many of the subtle ways your investment in my life has impacted me, especially my interaction with generations both older and younger than myself. You all demonstrated a sort of love and hope in the lives of us young folk that I cannot ignore. Because you believed (and continue to, even when it's difficult) that God could do anything through us, I now believe it's true. Likewise, I now believe it about the little ones I see running around.

And today, that is the best encouragement. Because if I were the only one that believed God is still at work in the world, it would be terribly difficult to have any sort of faith at all. Especially in times when the country with the highest poverty rate in the world gets shaken by an earthquake not once, but twice. So it is that we lean on each other when weakness overtakes us, allowing Christ to make Himself all the more known as that weakness is transformed.

It's funny how such simple concepts take on so much meaning when they are lived out.

I've been back a month now and everything seems clear to me.

Just kidding.

Perhaps the reason I sat staring at the computer screen for 30 minutes before typing is because the opposite is true.

I am still sorting through the texts we read over the course of the semester, still gaining new insight as I read portions again, still agreeing with some parts while discovering I disagree with things I thought I agreed with. Still, on some days, refusing to open any books at all.

I was attempting to pack for second semester when I decided I ought to sit down and attempt to write about this portion of my life before going back to Nashville. More than just coming back from Africa to be at Trevecca again lays ahead. It will be strange to be back in Nashville and not living in the basement of a church, working for CSM and seeing all of the familiar faces throughout the city.

I mean, who ever ENJOYS packing for college, right? haha. But it somehow seems heightened.
Hearing Mama's voice over the phone or receiving text messages from my African friends seems strange. Though these things would have happened very similarly while there, I now gently touch a screen in order to text as opposed to using my screen-cracked punch-button phone from the same town. The relationships, though still between the same people, seem somehow different.

I had a pretty decent case of parasites, for those of you who desire to know. Going the natural route of colon cleansing and herbal remedies, I used the age-old remedy that's been around for centuries now: Wormwood, Black Walnut Hull and Cloves. But I'll be honest, the process of getting healthy again was longer and slightly less enjoyable than it would have been to simply pop the antibiotics.

Farewell to the people I have come to love

Goodbyes were difficult, undoubtedly. Due to the fact words seem far from sufficient to express the present, I won't ramble in an attempt to offer some sort of conclusion.

I anticipate seeing ALL of your faces!! So much more than you know. Perhaps this is an encouragement to you as it was to me:

I would like to beg you dear sir, as well as I can to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way to the answer (Rainer Maria Wilke (1903), Letters to a Young Poet).